You Make Me Live

!!!This is a LONG post!!!

This is a very hard post for me to write and it has taken me days to actually finish it because I have to keep stopping and coming back to it as my emotions allow.

Corbin was barely 9 months old & still nursing when we found out on January 26, 2011 that I was pregnant again. This was very unexpected and unfortunately my first reaction was not joy. I never wanted to have kids THAT close (18 months apart) and felt immediate guilt and sadness at the thought of not being able to devote myself fully to Corbin during his precious, over-too-fast “baby ” months. Well naturally (and quickly) I grew to accept the fact that this was God’s plan for us and fell in love with that baby. My brother and I are 13 months apart, Donny and his sister are 18 months apart…I know there are people all over the world that care for multiple babies at once so I knew there was no question that we could do it.

We started getting excited and told most of our friends & family the good news. Since this was an unexpected pregnancy, we were unsure of the exact dates, so after my initial doctor’s visit around 7 weeks, they scheduled an ultrasound 2 weeks later to get a more accurate due date. On March 2nd Donny, Corbin and I all went to the appointment excited to see our new little baby for the first time. Our excitement was abruptly cut short when the ultrasound tech told us the news that the baby had no heart beat and most likely passed around 6 weeks. (I was around 9 weeks at the time and my body gave me absolutely no inclination that something was wrong).

It felt like a blow to the gut. The news caught us totally off guard and all I could do was cry. After giving us some time, Dr. Bowen met with us and explained the next steps and the benefits/risks involved with having a natural miscarriage vs. a D&C. I opted for the D&C and still don’t feel like that was necessarily the right choice. I felt rushed to make a decision because we were scheduled to shoot a wedding in Nashville on March 18th and I was worried about the possibility of having a miscarriage then. I felt like I needed to just know when everything was going to happen rather than wait it out for who knows how long. Plus Donny and I were both scared of all the unknowns associated with a natural miscarriage. So I had the D&C on March 7th and although it was not a pleasant experience, it was relatively pain-free and we could go on with life knowing it was over. And then came the first bill, and the second, and the third…all painful reminders that the money we were saving to pay for the birth was now going towards the opposite

Aside from extreme sadness, Donny and I both felt a lot of anger at the situation. Just as fast as we had come to accept what we thought was God’s plan for us, those dreams were taken away. Although we felt very loved by most of our friends & family, we were let down by some who hardly even acknowledged our situation and that made it even harder.

As weird as this might sound, I was not really that surprised that I had a miscarriage. Not that I was expecting it at all, I was just not surprised because I know how common they are (1 in 5 woman will have at least 1 miscarriage!) I have more blessings in my life than I already deserve, so I was bound to have a wrench thrown in there at some point.

Life went on as usual and the pain eased as time passed. Having Corbin to love and take care really helped. I feel for woman who have to go through this in the first place, but even more so for those who have to before they have a child. He is definitely the light of our lives and a great distraction from the pain.

Literally less than a week after we had the talk about waiting awhile before we tried for another baby we found out we were pregnant again on May 9th! A pleasant surprise and happy ending to a crappy couple of months…or so we thought

For about a week before I found out I was pregnant again and pretty much ever since, life has been a whirlwind of emotions – up and down. We were of course excited, but I was SUPER nervous and anxious since I just lost a baby. We didn’t tell very many people this time around and planned to wait until the 12 week mark when we had a little more reassurance that everything was ok.

Since I had a miscarriage, I was offered an early ultrasound (which is something I never had with Corbin). I also had my blood drawn to check my hcg & progesterone levels (something that was never checked before either). I can’t say that I’m a fan of either of those things. Knowing my levels really only made me worry more because they weren’t as high as they could have been (they weren’t too low either…just average).

During my first ultrasound at what should have been 6 weeks, I really expected to see the baby’s heartbeat but all that was visible then was a gestational sac measuring 4 weeks, 5 days. I was immediately distraught and couldn’t help thinking the worst. There was no way of knowing at that point if that was just the beginning of the pregnancy and my dates were off or if that was all that was left to see. We were told to come back in a week for another ultrasound and we prayed hard that whole week that we would see something more. I was trying really hard to be positive even though I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off.

Our second ultrasound brought with it a glimmer of hope and some peace of mind. We saw a yolk sac and a heartbeat! The gestational sac was measuring 5 weeks, 6 days at that point, and that was good progress from the week before. Most of the time, once a heartbeat is seen on an ultrasound, everything turns out fine. So even though I knew I should be further along than the ultrasound said, I finally just accepted the fact that maybe I ovulated late or maybe the baby would catch up down the road. My doctors assured me that the dates were fine and it was common to be off a week or so early on.

Two weeks later on June 17th I had the slightest bit of spotting that I wouldn’t have even noticed if I wasn’t paying attention. I really wasn’t worried about it but I called my doctor anyway and he said I could come in for an ultrasound just for peace of mind. I definitely wasn’t going to turn down that offer, so I left work at lunchtime to see my baby. I told Donny not to worry and not to bother coming with me…big mistake! Once again, the same exact scenario unfolded. There was no change in the size of the gestational sac and no heartbeat this time. (And once again other than that slight spotting that the doctors said wasn’t even related, my body gave me no inclination that something was wrong).

There I was – all alone – pleading with God through my tears. I could not believe this was happening again. The first time I was not surprised – but 2 in a row after a perfectly healthy pregnancy the first time was harder to wrap my brain around. Dr. Wall & Dr. Bowen were there comforting me, but it didn’t help. I asked them why this is happening and basically there are no answers. Dr. Bowen said that until you have 3 miscarriages, they don’t assume there is any major medical reason for the losses. He said I have just been unlucky, but I can’t help but think in the back of my mind that there is something wrong.

This time around I’ve decided to let my body handle things naturally, so I’ve basically been in a state of waiting for the worst the past 2 weeks. I don’t think I have fully processed everything yet. The business of life keeps us going once again, but I am super nervous & anxious for the end result. I am thankful for the support of my friend who has been through this before – she has prepared me for just about any scenario. I am more worried about the emotional toll this is going to take than the physical to be perfectly honest.

So my feelings now are sadness & anger again. Why is my body failing me? Will I ever have another baby? I have to believe that I will…but I have always wanted to adopt anyway, so if I can’t, then I will have to trust that God has other plans for us. At this point I am not physically or emotionally ready to go down this road again anytime soon, so we’ll just have to wait and see what the future holds.

I have lots of friends expecting babies soon, and a niece who will be born any day now…although it is painful, I will just have to love on those babies (and of course my own!) for now.